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Why sign up for counseling
before you have
a problem? For the same
reason you would take a
course before attempting
to snowboard—even if you
already know how to ski.
Counseling provides a
cushy pillow for the
times you will fall
down. And even great
couples will.
Considering that
somewhere in the
vicinity of 40 percent
of all first marriages
end in divorce, taking
time to study the
blueprints for the
marriage structure
before breaking ground
would seem wise.
For those alliances that
were doomed from the
beginning, there’s the
possibility to avert a
divorce by avoiding an
unrealistic marriage.
And for those who will
speed ahead, there will
be the knowledge of the
sticky places and some
compromise already in
place.
We require anyone who
wishes to drive to take
a course and pass the
exam. Yet we assume that
emotional connections
are instinctive and that
having children is easy
enough to not need a
manual or instruction.
Are we nuts? Most of us
know about relationships
from what we experience
around us. For many that
is a chaotic or hurtful
relationship that ended
in disaster during
childhood. Pre-marital
counseling explores the
areas that are
predictable crises in a
couple’s life.
Here are some areas that
any love-struck couple
should want to discuss
and be clear
about—before setting up
dates with the band and
the caterer.
Goals
What are you hoping this
marriage will bring? A
friend? A sense of
belonging? Is it a
family? Will you have
kids? How many? How will
you divide the time
between family and
career?
Communication
How will you resolve an
impasse? Do you know the
other person’s style of
communicating? Their
stuck places? How is
anger dealt with? What
if one wants to talk
about the relationship
and the other refuses?
Whose job is it to keep
the lines open? If you
get really bogged down -
will you go for help?
Friends
Where do they fit in the
scheme of your life? How
much time will spend
with them? What about
friends that the other
dislikes? Are they
welcome? Boys’ night
out, girls’ night out?
Confiding in friends,
helping them out—what
are the boundaries?
Money
What’s the philosophy
about money? Who decides
where it is spent? Does
each of you have
discretionary cash? What
if there’s a great job
offer 2000 miles away?
How will you pay the
bills and apportion the
income? How much to
save?
In-laws and family
What is their role? Who will call them to keep in touch? Are
one or both of you going
to have to help out a
parent? How will you do
that ( see Money). What
if there is a
disagreement or feud?
Sex
If there isn’t enough of it, how will you deal with the
feeling? Birth control?
Attractions to other
people? What if sex
becomes boring?
Kids
What is your philosophy around bringing up children?
Punishment and
consequences? Who will
care-take them? How
many? What if there is a
child who has mental or
physical problems?
Religion
Can you both respect each other’s beliefs even if they are
different? If there are
children, how will you
deal with this issue?
How will you handle your
respective families
around religion? Do you
have any opposing
beliefs?
If this seems like an
exhausting task, think
how tiring it is to run
around to lawyers and
fill out separation
papers. If you know the
inner workings of the
mind you plan to snuggle
up to for the rest of
your life, there will be
fewer surprises and more
time to enjoy each
other’s company.
Counseling provides a
template for conflict
resolution that can be
drawn on when needed. A
couple that knows how to
fight fairly and how to
compromise is going to
have a head start on a
couple that makes up the
rules along the way.
You’d spend the time and
money to ensure a
satisfying Caribbean
cruise—why not invest
the same energy into a
much more precious
adventure?
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